SPEYKING PROPER -IN LANCASHIRE DIALECT
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2. WITH NO APOLOGIES TER'T TYKES...(Y***SHIRE COAT OF ARMS)
4.WE'VE SUPPED SOME STUFF! (DRUNK CARTOON)
6.AT THE DOC'S (AT THE DOCTOR'S)
THE LANKY DEFINITE ARTICLE.
There is no Lanky definite article. Merely substitute a small half-strangled explosion of air from the back of the throat. Therefore, 'down the colliery' will become 'deawnt pit'. Master this and you have mastered the first basic rule of speaking Lanky.
Basic (but not too basic) Expressions
Aye
Yes
Now
No
Sithee
Behold
Eigh Up
Hello/Well I never/Please move
Dust?
Do you?
Uz'll
We will
Ast?
Have you?
Worrell
What will
Owdonabit serry!
Just one moment if you please sir...
Yah! and Nay!
Yes and No (when contradicting)
Tha wa'?
Pardon?
Arta?
Are you?
Them'll
They will
Speighk proper!
You are not using the correct Lancashire vernacular!
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WITH NO APOLOGIES TER'T TYKES...
Explanation of the Y***shire Coat of Arms: (As Discovered at Payfersod Hall, the home of the weaving magnate, Sir Titus Aduxarse of Bradford...)
A Fly will sup with anybody - and so will a Yorkshireman
A Flea will put the bite on anybody - and so will a Yorkshireman
A Magpie will chatter with anybody - and so will a Yorkshireman
And a Side of Bacon is never any good until it's been hanged....
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LANKY COAT OF ARMS - A Y***SHIREMAN'S REVENGE!
I found this Yorky riposte to the above on a postcard which was printed in Halifax, Y***shire - probably around the 1920's. It isn't as funny as the Lanky one though....
A BUG, OWL, PER 0’ CLOGS an’ a JUG O’ OWD ALE
Are t’ mottoes o’t Lancashireman ut nevver ul fail;
Far he’ll swagger un brag till lies fair black i’th een
Abewt what he’s done, or ewt ut he’s seen.
Na a Bug is a nuisance where iver he’s fan
An by guy it’s same wi a Lancashireman.
Fer beein’ fond ut dark ther’s neawt tew beat t’Owl,
But t’Lancashireman’s second, fer he’s allus on t preawl.
CLOGS kum in gradely when there’s somedy to tan.
Far he’ll poise em to’t deeath ul a Lancashireman.
Ut sampling owd ‘ale he’ll nevver be beat
‘Till he cocks up his shoon an his een loises t’leet.
BUY LANCASHIRE STUFF!....
It’s as well to know when you are being insulted in Lancashire. The following will give you a fair indication...
Th'art as much use as a one-legged mon at an arse-kicking contest.
You aren't much use at all!
Dust want a leather 'n' timber kiss?
(How do you fancy a kick from my clog?)
Ah'll tek a bit o' thi wom (home) in me pocket.
(There'll be bits of you missing when I've finished!)
Thaz a face lahk a constipated bloodhound!
(Smile, please.)
If tha'd hafe a brain, tha'd be an ape.
(You are somewhat deficient in grey matter.)
Th'art purrin' (putting thi yed in a dog kennel!
(Don't mess about with me or you'll get in trouble.)
Tha favvers tha's bin punched gether.
(You look slightly deformed.)
Tha skens (squints) enoof ter crack a lookin'-glass.
Tha skens enoof ter upset an 'orse an' cart.
Tha skens lahk a basket o' whelks.
( Unkind remarks to one with cross-eyes.)
Ah'll gi thi some clog toe pie.
(Not an invitation to dinner- this is an offer to give you a good kicking.)
Thaz a nose lahk a blind cobbler's thumb!
(Your nose is a funny shape!)
Th'art nor 'avvin' me on a butty.
(Don't try it on with me.)
Ah'll snatch thi breath!
(I'll kill you!)
Ah'll tek it eawt thi ribs!
(Pay what you owe me or I'll have the satisfaction of giving you a good hiding!)
Art tawkin' ter me or chewin' a brick?
(You are conversing rather indistinctly.)
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- Glittering jewels of Lanky folk wisdom that have been passed down along the ages - like mumps, scarlet fever and athlete’s foot...
A shut meawth (mouth) keeps flies eawt.
(If you keep your mouth closed, you won’t get in bother; so keep quiet and don't repeat others' gossip.)
Second 'un sits on t' best knee.
(The second wife of a marriage frequently gets treated better than the first one.)
'Im in t' neet wi' t' rag arm.
(Him in the night with the amputated arm - a nonsense retort for parrying inquisitive people who want to know who you are talking about.)
Muck midden pride - a carriage weddin' an' a wheelbarrow flittin'.
(The price you pay for being "showy".)
Beauty's only skin deep - but it's a bugger when tha 'ast use a pick ter ger at it. ..
(There's ugliness - and then there’s ugliness.)
Tha met bi born but th'art not dee-erd yet.
(You might be born but you're not dead yet, i.e.. you might be congratulating yourself that you are doing very nicely - but a lot of nasty things could happen to you before you die, so don’t be too sure of yourself.)
Th'arl come to thi cake an' milk.
(You'll get what's coming to you.)
Co-opcartkecktooerandthosstukboggarts
The four wheeled vehicle belonging to the Co-operative Wholesale Society has overturned and the horse has bolted in fright.
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AT THE DOC'S * at the Doctor's
Ah'm reet jiggered.
I am tired out.
Ah'm peawfagged.
I am weary
Ah'm up stick.Ah've bin playin' Hide the Sausage.
I am pregnant.
Ah'm bun up.Ah cud do wi summat purra road through me.
I am somewhat constipated.
Ah've a spile in mi ond
I have a splinter in my hand.
Ah keep gooin mazey.
I suffer from dizzy spells.
Ah'm wake.
I am weak.
Ah think ahm mendin.
I feel a lot better now.
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"Wherever the visitor goes in Lancashire, the dialect will always be there: and why shouldn't it be? The dialect enriches the quality of life; it is what makes Us different from Them; it expresses true emotions in warm human terms that otherwise would sound forced and stilted; it is a badge which identifies the wearer; it betokens roots and stability in a changing age; it is the cohesive voice of a people; it rings true; it is reassuring; it is unique; it is peculiar; it fits like a coat; it is gradely; it is tough; it is tender; it is beautiful; it is worth preserving; it survives. Long Live Lanky!" Dave Dutton, Lancashire.
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Completely Lanky has now been reprinted.To buy COMPLETELY LANKY, ask at any good bookshop (usually stocked in the North West by Waterstones, W.H. Smiths and Dillons) and at major Lancashire tourist attractions quoting ISBN NO: 1 872226 61 2.
IT IS ALSO AVAILABLE AT THE FOLLOWING SHOPS:
BOOK CLEARANCE CENTRE, 2-8,FISHERGATE SHOPPING CENTRE, PRESTON PR1 8HJ TEL: 01772- 884846.
BOOK CLEARANCE CENTRE, UNIT 6, MARKETGATE SHOPPING CENTRE, WIGAN WN1 1JS TEL. 01942 829499
BOOK CLEARANCE CENTRE 28A, TOWN SQ.SHOPPING CENTRE, OLDHAM OL1 1XD TEL: 0161 627 5244
BOOK CLEARANCE CENTRE 27-.28 DAWSON WAY, ST.JOHN'S SHOPPING CENTRE , LIVERPOOL :TEL.0151 708 5176
BOOK CLEARANCE CENTRE, 7 THE MALL, MILLGATE SHOPPING CENT BURY BL9 OQQ TEL. 0161 763 5700
BOOK CLEARANCE CENTRE, UNIT 47, CONCOURSE SHOPPING CENTRE, SKELMERSDALE WN8 6LG TEL. 01695 557817
BOOK CLEARANCE CENTRE, 6 MARKETWALK SHOPPING CENTRE, CHORLEY PR7 1DE TEL. 01257 276799
"It would be quite impossible to express the emotions I felt when reading your book or how much pleasure it gave me. Your book made the sun shine! Thank you!" - Mrs D Taylor, Portsmouth. (ex Heywood).
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